The Space Between
by Ashesofthefirststar
Summary: READ THE REWORKED VERSION OF THIS STORY ON MY PAGE: COMPLICATED STRANGERS.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Yo, not much to say. This is a ByaIchi AU with a little Grimmichi( Though, this isn't a story for people who solely ship Grimmichi because it isn't about them and they don't get together in the end) It's a two shot, meaning theres only one other chapter after this.**

 **I got this idea from reading an unfinished and presumably abandoned ByaIchi fiction. (I mean, it's been about two years since anything was posted for it.) I wanted the ending so badly that I turned the story plot into my own and recreated it. If you don't like that, it must suck to be you. Sorrynotsorry. This is the fan fiction that inspired this: s/10612415/1/Anchored**

 **xXx**

" _ **The Space Between the wicked lies we tell and hope to keep safe from the pain**_

 _ **But will I hold you again?" - Dave Matthews Band**_

 **xXx**

 **Sempiternal Hiraeth**

 _Lip's as soft and pink as a sakura petal collided with his just barely. Fingers gently twitched in nervousness as he maneuvered Ichigo's chin closer, only to separate their parted lips, the air feeling wrong in comparison. A tongue glided over his lip after the pause in contact as if he was tasting the feeling Ichigo's kiss gave, considering, savoring. Still looking dumbstruck at the unforeseen affection, a dry lump felt like torrid molten rocks erupting from his stomach and clogging his throat. Ichigo allowed himself to be pulled in for another, much deeper kiss that lingered with such a great catharses. He was parched and those lips were the sweetest wine he had never known he wanted. Yet, once he drank in the feeling of their swapping tongues evading each others estuaries, he couldn't imagine how he'd gone his whole life without the rare and ambrosial sensation of Byakuya Kuchiki's touch._

 _Both of the men heaved and rasped as their mouths found resolution to create the space in between. Till this day, Ichigo wished he'd never stopped kissing the man, that he'd never let such a space become a reality. If he had not, then all of the questions, chaotic lustful energy, conflicting thought, their baggage, it might not have ever had a chance to get in between. There would be no room in their silencing moment of trance inducing affection, affection that had Ichigo forgetting all the days of his past he couldn't let go, that had Ichigo forgetting that he couldn't love anyone the way he should._

 _Ichigo wondered, Why? Why did you have to ruin such a blissful moment with that space and the words that filled them? Byakuya, a man who barely utilized words to express his emotions, why did you choose that moment to open your heart to me. Such questions riddled Ichigo's mind, like could it be, that I was really that important, that the words meant that much, that I meant that much?_

 _More importantly, why couldn't he say them back when he knew in that moment, despite the fact he'd go on to deny it, that he felt them too?_

" _Ichigo," Byakuya whispered, slat grey moons hung heavy, staring authentically from under the hood of his eyelids, "I love you."_

 _All of those erupting embers turned deathly cold, freezing them both to the core._

 _Ichigo jared, moving from the couch that had been his whole universe just a moment ago."How dare you say that shit to me? Where do you even- how the fuck- YOU CAN'T JUST KISS ME LIKE THAT. We're suppose to be best friends, I- you-" Before running towards the door, Ichigo said something he's spent every second of his life since wishing he could take back. "You don't love me and I certainly don't fucking love you, homo."_

"Shut the fuck up, Ichigo," came the half groan half yawn, only met by a shove to the shoulder. "You're moaning in your sleep again."

Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Ichigo looked over with floaty vision trying to acclimatize to the light of day filtering in through the open blinds of his room. The customary shove of affection was met with an arm wrapping around his mid section and blue hair splayed out across his shoulder. He half opened one eye squinting, with other completely shut at his lover. "Grimmjow, you came home last night?" _'home',_ the man thought, _'that doesn't sound right. This isn't our home, this doesn't even feel like my home. This is just the place we fuck and sleep at.'_

The man half opened his eye's, and in a fraudulent display of aggravation, growled slightly. "I'm here, ain't I?" He dug his head in closer to the cranny between Ichigo's shoulder and neck, pulling the man tighter.

Blinking a couple of times, Ichigo yawned, "Oh, well I just figured you weren't. I went to bed late and you never showed up." He closed his eyes once more, letting his head rest against the gelled hair of Grimmjow. It prickled his face in a not to comfortable, yet habitual manner that he'd grown use to. For a moment, he thought about what it would feel like to lean his cheek against Byakuya's raven tresses. Probably like the finest silk any spider could weave. Like usual, that thought was followed by a stagnate dull pang of guilt and sadness washing him over. They were mild in their effects, but still stung all the same. He had no right to wonder things like that, because if he hadn't had been so dense, so emotionally inept, so typically Ichigo Kurosaki, he wouldn't have to wonder. He didn't even deserve _that_ after the way he left things.

There was no use falling back to sleep now, not after the dream he had or more aptly named, the nightmare. Perhaps he should have felt guilty about having these thoughts next to his "lover," but he didn't, if only because lovers was a very loosely defined term for these two. They weren't really lover. They weren't boyfriends. They most certainly weren't partners, and most of all, this wasn't their home. Home's weren't just houses, homes were built with strength of will and love, homes were created by the connection you felt to the walls and people who resided within in. Whereas homes were built with give and take, his and Grimmjow's relationship was built with take and take, complacency, and broken pieces of jagged souls, looking for things they'd never find within each other. At least, Ichigo was looking for something he knew he'd never find, not with this man.

The pair had been fucking for over two years now, and at some point, Grimmjow started to become a face he was use to, a body that always found it's way back to his bed every night, sex or no sex, like a dog that kept coming around because you fed it once. Though, on Ichigo's part, it wasn't as if he was using Grimmjow any more than the other was using him, at least he made no pretenses or pretend that this was something it wasn't. Not only had the two never been official, but the two also never had been monogamous. Grimmjow often went out drinking, looking to score with a variety of hot women or men. Ichigo did the same- although not nearly as often - and he never felt the least bit bad that his constant bed companion did so nor so did he feel guilty for doing so himself. There was never the 'what are we' talk, they never shared sweet nothings, never embarked in romantic acts. They had just became comfortable within their nonchalant, nondescript relationship, because being lonely and broken together was easier than it was apart.

What they really were was somewhere in between, and unlike Byakuya, Grimmjow never filled those empty spaces with any meaningful words that would scare him away. In fact, it was Ichigo's casual availability that kept Grimmjow's interest, he was sure. The man was a total rolling stone in leather, and any signs of deep attachment were a turn off to the man. He liked coming and going at his own volition, but like the loyal pact animal he was, he liked a place to rest his head and quench his desires for human warmth, sexual or not. Ichigo could honestly couldn't care less about what the man did, not past a basic friend level. It wasn't this situation where he was stinging Grimmjow along, fucking him to forget the one he truly loved, nothing could do that. Grimmjow was good sex, wild and lustful sex even. He was good company, a fun and loyal guy who could provide some pretty entertaining banter, and a good fight. The two made good friends with benefits. That was the thing though, Grimmjow was the guy you had fun with, passed the time with, not the guy you fell in love with. So, like any good friends with benefits, if Grimmjow came to him and told him he rather not do the whole benefits part, Ichigo wouldn't feel much of anything about it, because when you really got to the bottom of what they were, they really were _just_ friends.

Ichigo went to roll out of bed, but found him self being snagged and pulled into the curve of Grimmjow's body. His lower back was being greeted by the obnoxiously enthusiastic hard on of his band mate. In such a close vicinity, Ichigo felt ready to hurl. He tried to wiggle away, wrinkling his nose at the aroma of Grimmjow's late night.

"Get the fuck off me," Ichigo writhe, "You smell like liquor and the juices of what ever chick you picked up last night." Looking over his shoulder, Ichigo cocked an eyebrow, "Really Grimmjow, you couldn't have done better?" He made a grossed out face, obviously referencing the bad stench left behind from whatever girl the man had picked up in his drunken stupor.

"That's just the smell of a good night, baby." He smirked into the nape of the man's neck, "isn't it your favorite smell to wake up to?"

At the man purposely rubbing and grinding all of himself as close to Ichigo's nose as humanly possible, Ichigo turned and punched him in the arm as hard as he could, trying to free himself. "Yeah, it just delightful. Now excuse me while I go throw up," Ichigo deadpanned, only to get his wrist pinned to the bed, being straddled by the muscular thighs of Grimmjow.

"Oh no ya' don't. Like you said, I could do better," reaching down to pinch one perfectly perked nipple, he ground his stiffness against the man's pelvis. "You're better. I still got some energy to work out, let me play with ya'."

Ichigo rolled his eyes but also rolled his hips, not resisting. He let his body give into the hedonic carnality of his lover. Grimmjow really was a top notch lay. He could make him cum easily and repeatedly, knowing just how to thrust into him and the quirks of his body, what buttons to push, body parts to roll, areas to lick, just how hard to sink his teeth in. It was hot and sticky, nasty and rough. Grimmjow had the ability to make him scream his name, if he wanted and really put in the effort to make it so. Yet, that just made Ichigo wonder how amazing the sex with Byakuya could have potentially been when they had gotten to know each others bodies with the same measure of intimacy, because just that one kiss they shared had all of the euphoric electricity that his and Grimmjow's tryst lacked. It was pure pleasure, but that shocking, twitching, breathless warmth that filled you, caused by the nervousness yet complete elation of touching someone you loved so dearly and deeply, it had no place in the acts him and Grimmjow shared in.

"Fine," Ichigo conceded as the man kissed on his neck, "but don't you even think of putting your junk anywhere near my mouth until you've scrubbed it with bleach."

Leaning his head up so it was hovering over Ichigo's, body sprawled and arms spread to hold Ichigo down, Grimmjow smirked, "Jealous?"

"No," Ichigo crinkled his nose. "Disgusted. You smell gross. Did you drink the liquor or soak in it?"

Grimmjow answered his question by gliding his tongue down Ichigo's neck and playing with the dip in his collar bone, leaving a wet sake scented path in it's wake. "It's cool. I wanted to fill up on you anyway." Ichigo netted his brow as Grimmjow began his slow decent, confused about the man's actions. It wasn't that he never gave him head, just that it was pretty rare. It somehow made him feel less dominate. Ichigo wasn't sure why, being able to control your lovers pleasure should be considered the ultimate form of dominance. Knowing Byakuya and how he loved to flaunt his skill in the smuggest yet sexiest way possible, he imagined that he'd love pleasuring with his mouth.

Ichigo considered that Grimmjow was probably still drunk, having just rolled into bed an hour ago, so that made more sense. None the less, he enjoyed what the man was giving him. He choked slightly when a tongue found it's way to his entrance, making him let out a loud guttural moan of pleasure that shot through his confusion. Rim jobs were a no access zone, much to Ichigo's dismay, because they were truly the BMW's of sexual acts. Gimmjow must have drank the bar out of liquor for him to be losing so much of that misplaced pride and egotism. After lathering those slender digits in some strawberry flavored lube, he prodded Ichigo's entrance in the rough yet meticulous way Ichigo enjoyed, causing him such intense pleasure that was spiced up with just a tinge of pain. Oh, and when Grimmjow inserted him self, holding Ichigo's wrist captive while using his teeth to mark anywhere he saw fit, it was sheet soaking sensual. Smutty and hot, Ichigo moaned in gratifying lust as the man stuck to fingers inside Ichigo's mouth. That meant he was suppose to suck while the other man jabbed them deep, biting his lips and imagining his fingers being replaced by his own needy rod. Growling with an animalistic avidity, Grimmjow wrapped Ichigo's legs around him and lifted the man's hips, making for a deeper penetration, bucking his hips widely like a savage bull and assaulting Ichigo's pulsating prostate over and over. It wasn't to long until both men reached a climax, their heaving chest pressed against each others so the feeling of their fluttered heartbeats echoed through each others bodies.

Thumbing Ichigo's parted and panting lips, Grimmjow did something that had Ichigo addled, glaring up at the man with dubious eyes. Leaning in, the man pressed his lips to Ichigo's, kissing him with none of the same unstable voracity as before, but with a gentle exploration. It felt..off. The tender gesture seemed out of place for their normally puckish yet low pressure relationship, seeing as Grimjmjow never kissed him outside of their sexual rough housing. Not that Ichigo did or wanted him too, for if that moment proved anything, it was just weird. It didn't feel right. Steamy sex between good friends was one thing, but nothing romantic grew inside Ichigo for his blue haired companion and vise versa.

"You're drunk," Ichigo rolled his eyes at the man once Grimmjow removed his lips. "Drunker than usual."

With a hefty scoff, Grimjow rolled off, exposing his sweaty nude body to the gust of wind coming from the ceiling fan. "I don't gotta be wasted to want to kiss you. I just felt like it, damn. It was a heat of the moment type thing." Removing his condom, he slung it at Ichigo carelessly, earning him a grossed out look and an ear full of curse words.

Sliding to the side of the bed, Ichigo lover's release was tidily disposed of in a beside waste basket. "Yeah, well it was just weird," the man chuckled. "I'm more use to you cursing me out with your mouth, not kissing me."

Grimmjow gave something akin to a chortle as he rolled on his belly, pressing his head into the feathery pillow situated on his side of the bed. "Scram, will you, I gotta sleep off this alcohol, since I'm _so_ fucking drunk." He kicked Ichigo in the back playfully, albeit roughly.

"Yeah, Yeah, that sounds more like you." As he was walking to the door, Grimmjow said something about how he better be woken up to the smell of breakfast. "What am I? your fucking maid!?" With that, Ichigo departed for the bathroom.

It wasn't to long until he found him self soothing his achy bones under the steam and alleviating pressure of steep water beating against his body. He rang one hand through his drenched orange tresses, breathing in the deep vapors that surrounded him. It wasn't that he thought about Byakuya all of the time. It had been five years and he wasn't pathetic, however, there wasn't a single day since he left that the memory of the man and his mistakes spared him. Yet, of late, he had been thinking of Byakuya more and more. Most likely a result of him planing a surprise visit to his old town. It was always like that whenever he went back despite the fact he never once saw Byakuya. Just breathing in that air and taking in the smells of their old stomping grounds, it made Ichigo think back to the days of their pupilage, the years he spent as Byakuya's best companion.

The two were friends all the way through high school and halfway through college. Surely the two were an unlikely pair, because they were both so alike in many ways - introspective, introverted, and being full of scowls were some of the traits they shared - but they also were different in just as many. While Ichigo was loud and rash, fickle and indecisive, spontaneous yet ruled by his emotions, Byakuya was silent and circumspect, logical and determined, unabashed and sagacious, never one to let his emotions get out of hand. They'd met at the beginning of their freshman year when some punks were giving Byakuya a hard time just because he came from a well off family. Ichigo had never been one to idly sit by when someone was unjustly beating up another. At first, it was obvious his intervening hurt Byakuya's pride, but more so, Byakuya wasn't a fighter if he didn't have to be and often chose to talk his way out of such altercations with pugnacious brats. After Ichigo egged them on, there was little hope of a verbal solution. That's when Ichigo looked at Byakuya and said that he wasn't there to fight them for him, but to fight with him. Three against one wasn't fair and Ichigo lived by a strickt code of honor, even while fighting. Though, Byakuya could have handled it himself - and he took no qualms in telling Ichigo that - he also seemed to enjoy the fact that Ichigo wanted to fight with him, not for him. Ever since that day, they had been as thick as thieves, and from that day forward, Ichigo promised that if Byakuay couldn't smooth talk his way out of a fight, he'd be there to back him up always. Often coming to odds with his domineering and sometimes straight up tyrannical father, the Kurosaki's became a home away from home where Byakuya felt as if he was able to breath freely.

He missed those times. They not only grew as people together, share the years of their lives of which they developed the most, but they constantly challenged each other. Without words, they understood each other. Just a look or a subtle mannerism was enough to read the other. They always made time for each other and they could always make each other laugh. Byakuya would read to Ichigo classic books from old dead guys and taught him an appreciation for nature while Ichigo taught Byakuya sports and would play him songs on the guitar. They always pushed each other to their limits and were there for each other when they crumbled from the exertion. Ichigo had been such a fool saying what he did to Byakuay. Worst than a fool, a hypocritical fool. He called the man a homo even when Ichigo knew that the romantic and very homosexual feelings were reciprocated. Perhaps that's why he did it. Yet years latter, here he was, taking it up the ass and sucking dick like it was going out of style, completely wonderstruck with the male anatomy. If Byakuya could see him now, he'd probably smirk and deadpan with a causticly contrived comment that Ichigo would eat up. God, how he'd love one of their usual back and forth banters right about now.

You see, Ichigo had always harbored feelings for his best friend, yet he denounced them, always overlooking them and never truly giving them a name. It wasn't as if he didn't notice the stares he would give Byakuay that would last a second to long, that feeling of being captivated by just talking to the man, the giddiness of spending a simple sunny afternoon together, a tingling sensation in his chest when the other would get dressed in front of him. It just didn't make sense until Byakuay was kissing him and the blinding reality of how long he had been in love with Byakuya pierced his veil of denial. Everything fell into place in that instant. In hindsight, Byakuya had shown feelings for him also, but the truth of it was buried so deep within a latent part of Byakuay, that even the usually self aware man couldn't see it fully. The line between close friendship and romance was a mere gossamer string that could blur and confuse which side you're really on if one is not carful. So it was easy to write those feelings off as just an extremely close bond between friends.

Byakuya's relationship with Hisana only solidified his place as only the friend, and at the time, Ichigo was so happy for Byakuay. Though, looking back on it, Byakuya had made more time for Ichigo than most boyfriends would make for there friends. In a way, even though neither of them saw it as limpidly as it was to everyone around the duo, they always came first to each other. Still, Byakuya was truly in love with Hisana, they were high school sweet hearts for two wonderful years. That was until Hisana died in a car crash. Byakuya was only seventeen years old. The youth had experienced death before, but the death of the one you're in love with was in a different stratosphere of pain that most could not grasp until it happened to them. Though he made no attempts to understand the pain Byakuya felt, Ichigo felt just a portion of it as he took care of his sickly friend who spent at least a week without eating or sleeping. Watching Byakuay fall apart was like watching himself fall apart, and he took care of the man tenaciously, putting all of his free time into trying not only to comfort, but to one day bring back the smiles that now knew no home on his friends face.

Over two years passed and Byakuay had gotten through most of the pain. Now it was like a broken leg that didn't heal quite correctly and caused a slight limp, it didn't really hurt and it wasn't something he could see, but it effected his perception of life. Byakuya had been touched by death in ineffable ways and there was no healing completely once someone had experienced such a thing. It had only taken about a year before Byakuya had returned to his old self for the most part, but Ichigo could always tell that not everything was as hylcyon as it appeared on the surface. Those peaceful waves hid a tempest of unresolved emotions within. In that regard, Ichigo was the only one who really _saw_ Byakuay, and the raven haired man appreciated that in ways that could never be expressed properly. He could always just be him self around Ichigo with no shame or no need to explain himself or his feelings. It had only taken two years Hisana for Byakuya to realize that he loved Ichigo and that he always had loved him, even during his relationship with Hisana. One day he just looked at Ichigo and couldn't understand how he could be so impossibly dense for so long. He understood that it had always been Ichigo, or at least that's what Byakuay told him before Ichigo heartlessly called the man a homo.

Despite not understand his own sexuality at the time, that wasn't the reason behind Ichigo's insensitivity. For he had never been homophobic or really even thought about what it meant to be gay. In fact, he firmly held the belief that people should be able to love who they want, even back then. The reasoning behind his crass unforgivable words was something as inconsequential as bad timing. You see, Ichigo had been going through a bit of an existential crisis, unable to determine what he was going to do with his life after the death of his mother rocked his foundation. Other than Byakuya, she was the closest person to Ichigo, the only one who knew him just as good if not better than his best friend. As sappy as it may sound, he was a momma's boy, and life after her death seemed so bleak at times. She had died at a young forty two and Ichigo so badly wanted to make sense of something that was completely asinine and out of his control. He had been slacking off at school, getting into unnecessary fights, and over all had a sour attitude towards everything. Yet, just as he'd been there without question for Byakuay, the other had done the same.

Three months after his moms passing and Ichigo just couldn't get back to where he had been before. He was feeling antsy, in search for something different, a need to get away from it all and take time to discover himself and what he really wanted. In reality, it had been an excuse to run away from the pain and hide like a scared child instead of trudging through the heartbreak of it all one painful step at a time. It was ruining away from her constant memory, ruining away from having to heal. After her death, he felt adrift from himself and as if every facet of him that made him uniquely Ichigo was coming under suspect. Despite knowing Ichigo was just running away, the night Ichigo told Byakuya he wanted to drop out of school and move to Tokyo for a while, the man told him he'd support whatever decision Ichigo had to make. He said if it was a journey that Ichigo had to take, even if that journey lead him right back at home, he could not fault him. It was then that he kissed Ichgio, surrounding him with such an ethereal sensation that seemed to light his insides on fire. It was Byakuya's way of confessing before Ichigo left for an undetermined amount of time, but also to let him know that he'd be there when Ichigo was ready to return to him. If he hadn't been so struck, at a lose with himself and what he wanted with his life, he would have handled it so differently. Any other way than that. He would have filled the space in-between with the 'I love you' that Ichigo believed Byakuya deserved fervently. On one hand, he had been so shocked with the realization of his own feelings, but those chaotic, unexplored emotions felt like salt to a freshly made wound. It was too much for him to handle or to understand, this immense love he felt while also feeling the need to run away from it and everything else good in his life. Though, on some subconscious level, Ichigo understood the real reason he said what he said that day. He was scared of getting even closer to Byakuya, only to later lose the only other person who knew him better than he knew himself.

After a while, Ichigo had realized that he could've figured himself out just the same in his home town, and that running to Tokyo wasn't something he did for any meaningful reason of significance, but just the place he ended up at while sprinting away from the past he didn't want to confront. He could have stayed with Byakuya, allowed him self to heal the way he was intended to, in the arms of his best friend and lover, but he had ruined that for himself with his impetuous and cowardice. Not a day went by that he didn't think about what could of been if he had just let his mind chatch up to his mouth or if he had answered one of Byakuya's many phones calls, returned any of the numerous amounts of messages the man left checking up on him. He threw Byakuya's heart back in his face and made him fell like less than he was, and the man still thought of only him and his feelings. Byakuya deserved so much better than Ichigo, at least thats what Ichigo thought.

What hurt the most was the realization that Byakuya had, at first, probably understood that Ichigo had only said what he said out of confusion and grief. Knowing Byakuya, the martyr he was, he probably even blamed himself for telling Ichigo during the thick of one of the hardest bereavements he'd ever face, and called in hopes to reconcile, to take the blame and supplicate for the wrong doings he thought he'd made. The man was prideful, but the people Byakuya cared for were his pride, so he was not to arrogant to admit when he'd made a mistake, despite the impression his uppity appearance might suggest. The part that put knots in Ichigo's stomach and a bolder on his chest, kept him awake with guilt that seemed to surround him like amorphic shadow puppets, was the acknowledgment that slowly, Byakuya gave up and came to terms with the fact that Ichigo's last words to him were indeed the true musings of his heart. Of course, they weren't, but after months of no contact, years, what was the man suppose to think? He'd left Byakuya lonely, without his dearest friend, worried and blaming him self, and Ichigo felt as if he deserved a special level of hell for that. He didn't even pick up the phone, over seven years of friendship, and that's what it all boiled down to. That's what he left Byakuya with. The one regret in his life that he may never come to peace with.

Sure. He had his reasons, but in comparison, they all seemed like bull shit now. Besides, what we perceive is what we take as our reality. The truth of Ichigo's feelings are more than what Byakuya can see, but that doesn't change what Byakuya experienced, it doesn't take validity away from his version of reality. Ichigo could beg for forgiveness, and though it might help some, it wouldn't make the memories of those nights he spent awake worried any less heavy when they hit. At first, it didn't take him long to realize that he'd been wrong for the words he said, but his confusion, fear, and the feelings he couldn't get a grasp on were the reason he couldn't pick up the phone. So many times he wanted to pick up the phone, to tell Byakuya all about his day and hear his voice as he complained about the morons in his pre law program. He wanted to go to his graduation, to help him apply for law school. He wanted to eat late night take out and walk around the Karakura park or to the abandoned roof top they'd go to all the time before college became to overwhelming. He wanted to kiss him on that rooftop. Still, it took seven months after he had left and three months since the phone stopped ringing for Ichigo to verbally admit to someone else and officially admit to him self - Renji, his good friend and coworker after a night of excessive drinking - that he loved Byakuya and always had. Admitting it out loud felt like the inception of a one man love story, sad start to finish. He knew it would hurt like hell, but he didn't know it feel like being stuck in an amaranthine vacuum, suffocating endlessly without the mercy of death.

He could have called Byakuya then, but he felt unworthy, and while that was true, it was also that same old fear. Yet, now it was fear that he'd have to hear Byakuya say he hated him, that he didn't want him and they could never be. At least when he left everything unsaid, he could keep up the delusion that Byakuya would forgive him, take him back with open and forgiving arms. No. He didn't even deserve to apologize or even to be the man's associate, not after all the pain he had put him though.

There was a point in time, about two years ago, Ichigo was seriously losing resolve and doubting his decision to stay out of Byakuya's life. Hisana's sister, Rukia, had became like a little sister to Byakuya, especially after her sisters untimely demise. Ichigo too became close friends with her. The girl was three years their junior, but she exuded with a maturity gained through trials and wore her thick skin like a coat of armor. At one point, she visited him in Tokyo, and of course, Ichigo asked about Byakuya and his life. He often kept updated via Rukia, wanting to know exactly how he was doing. He sounded great, successful, happy, and that brought Ichigo so much joy. Not that he ever doubted it, Byakuya was a surviver and needed no one to help make the best out of his situation. Yet, the day Rukia came and Ichigo decided to ask if she thought it be a good idea, she told Ichigo he was in a relationship with another man. It didn't surprise Ichigo, Byakuya had a way about him that made him speculate how anyone could get to know him and not fall head over heels, but that didn't make the news any less breath stealing. It felt like the very last part of what he and Byakuya had had died, and because of that, a tiny part of Ichigo had died also. There was no way he could approach the man after three years while he was in a new relationship, even if it was just for friendship. Ichigo wouldn't be so shellfish. He would storm in and mess up Byakuya's life, confuse him, or even assumed that Byakuya still cared after all the time that had passed.

He bet the man Byakuya had found love with deserved him. He knew anyone Byakuya had fallen for and kept a relationship with had to be an amazing man, a one in a million type guy. In the past, Ichigo would have considered him self a pretty great guy, and it wasn't as if he hated him self or had no tried to forgive himself, but he couldn't truly feel the way he use to about himself after the way he ended things with Byakuya, even if he did recognize his mistake with an earnest abashment.

Ichigo was washed and ready to head for the train. That would give him plenty of time alone with his thoughts, not that he needed it. He was suppose to be working today, so coming back into town for celebrating the girls high school graduation was sort of a surprise. He'd bought them both gifts that sat wrapped on the counter. Before he left, he contemplated leaving a note. It felt weird, Grimmjow and himself never really told each other where they were going, not out of obligations anyway. They rarely got involved in each others lives considering how much they see each other. A guilt made Ichigo feel as if he should, because despite them only being friends with benefits, they were friends with benefits that practically lived together. It was the courteous thing to do. However, he also felt equally as stupid. Grimmjow would probably see the note and scoff at it, ball it up, get pissed that there was not food made, and wonder why Ichigo even cared to let him in on his whereabouts. Still, just in case, if only to ease the guilt that he really didn't need any extra of, he jotted down a quick note of where he was going.

 **xXx**

As the train was closing in to the station, Ichigo looked out the window with the slightest of nostalgic grins on his face. It wasn't quite often he came home because it was a two hour train ride from Tokyo. So it had been almost two years since he'd been able to come back. He'd tried before now, but his scantily given day's off never seemed to coincide with the days of which his family was available. He missed them. Even his goat face of a father and his never ending round house kicks.

It was funny how a person can tell how much they've changed by the way they perceive something differently. The last time Icigo came back, it felt so..wrong, almost as if he didn't belong. The howls of the wind reminded him of his mother and the dimming street light would remind him of late nights and shenanigans with Byakuya. Yet, it wasn't so much because he didn't belong, but because he wasn't in a good place. Now, coming here felt bittersweet. Those same stimulus still drew out pungent memories as if they happened just yesterday, but now Ichigo looked at them with happier feelings. It was because, in some ways, he found the peace he was looking for. If he had to do it again, would he have left for Tokyo? No. However, he can't do it again, all he can go is forward and learn from the mistakes of his past. He'd came to peace with his mothers passing, to how cowardice he was for running away, that he still loved his best friend and most likely always would in some way, but there was nothing he could do to have him. He'd came to peace with what he wanted to do with his life, found a purpose that fit him better. The only thing he still hadn't fully came to peace with was the way he hurt Byakuya, but for that, he still held the belief he deserved that torment.

Though he missed his home town and sometimes wished he could just go back and stay from the get go, now, he liked the town better this way. He needed to move forward, make new memories, and he couldn't do that if he was constantly reminded of his ghost around every street corner. It was fine to visit his ghost, like the way we visit a graveyard, but he couldn't stand in front of that grave forever. There was a life out there for him to live. Besides, with the girls off to college and most of his college friends moved away, there wasn't' much left for him here but painfully heart warming memories. Sure, his dad was here, but kids usually move out of the town their parents stay in. That's only natural and wasn't a reason to leave Tokyo. Sure, he hadn't ended up there for so long on purpose, but there he was. This would always be his home in some way, but he needed to start making Tokyo feel more like his home. He had a job he loved, a few people he considered friends, a nice apartment, he even had Grimmjow for whatever that was worth or for how ever long that would last. Maybe one day he'd even fall in love again, put down some more permeant root.

Gifts in hands, Ichigo walked the short distance from the train station to his house, enjoying the sights of his youth as he took his time. However, it wasn't too long before he was standing in front of his old house. One knock, then two, a second late the door opened and he found him self taken aback by who answered. Standing in his doorway was Kaien, his cousin, donning a big smile, however, it was somewhat awkward. Ichigo didn't notice that to much though, he was just happy to see his cousin for the first time in years. "What's up you loser!" Ichigo greeted, dropping the present on the ground momentarily. Wrapping his arms around the man, he hugged him enthusiastically, patting him on the back. "I haven't seen you in over three years, if we didn't share the same mug I'd forgotten your face."

Mirthfully, Kaien retuned the huge yet seemed to be lacking some of his usual buoyancy. The man seemed a tad off, but Ichigo couldn't put his finger on it. "The prodigal son returns. Im glad," he picked up one of the presents and nodded for Ichgio to follow, "your dad misses you so much, he's been using me for a punching bag in your replacement."

Ichigo arched an eyebrow at that. "How long have you been in town?" Ichigo asked, stepping into the living area. "Did the whole Shiba clan come out to see the girls graduation?" Sitting the present on one of the sofas, Ichigo threw his hands in his pockets and got on his tips toes slightly, looking over Kaien's shoulder in the direction of the kitchen. "Don't tell me Kūkaku's crazy ass is here cooking, is she? She's liable to burn down the kitchen if she's left alone." Ichigo was feeling glad to be home, this had been the right deciton. There was always some apprehension about it, but now it felt right. Seeing Kaien only made him realize how much he really had missed home.

The brunette was playing with the nape of his neck, a nervous trait they both shared. Ichigo noticed the subtle tones of anxiety in the air and wasn't all to sure how to feel about it. "Well, actually Ichigo, that's what I wanted to t-"

"Well look who the cat dragged in?" Karin's voice sounded as she descended from the stairs.

Scowling playful, Ichigo said, "Hey, is that anyway to treat your brother?"

Hand on hip, the fully developed teen glared him down with a matching grimace. "One's who don't come home for over two years, hell yeah!"

"What about a brother who came barring gifts?" He handed the brightly wrapped gift over to the girl, smirking in victory.

"Yeah, I see, trying to win me over with presents. You haven't seen me in two years, so it better be something I like."

Ruffling the girls head, Ichigo spate, "It's a free gift, so you'l like whatever it is. Give me some credit, I know presents have no effect on you, brat."

Shifting inside the bag, she took out a book and immediately recognized it as a copy of Fragment's of horror by Junji Ito. Ito was one of her favorite authors and she yet to have this book, so she was overall impressed that her feeble minded brother actually picked something good for her. "Open it up," Ichigo smirked. She eyed him dubiously, but did so. The book had been signed personally by Ito and had a hand written message just for her. She let her fingers drift over it briefly before lifting her head, trying to hide the sentiments in her voice. "You actually did something cool. Who would have thunk it?"

Ichigo nudged Kaien playfully, "I think what she means is thank you. Always so ungrateful."

"Don't worry," Kaien patted Ichigo on the back, "she'll mature out of it a bit. Look at you, it's only been five years since you left and you've mellowed a lot. Definitely still my same brat cousin, but I can tell you've mature."

"Living on your own will do that," Ichigo rolled his eyes. "There's something else in the bag for you."

The girl netted her eyebrows but stifled through the bag, only to pull out a pouch of sake and grin impishly. "Oh, Ichi-Nii, I never knew you were such a bad influence. I'm sort've proud."

He grinned but then put on a serious, almost parental look. "You're going to college in Tokyo, so that bottle comes with a stipulation. Your old enough to try the stuff, but I want you to do it safely. So when you get to town, come spend the night with me one night and we'll celebrate. Oh, and I shouldn't have to tell you this, but don't tell goat face."

"I'm not stupid, Ichi-Nii," she shoved him affectionally on the shoulder before turning. "Thanks, I'm going to show dad my book. He'll freak."

Ichigo smiled as she stormed out of the room bouncier than he'd seen her in a while. Kaien smiled softly and said, "That was nice of you too do. She'll appreciate having someone she knows in Tokyo, even if she won't admit it."

"Eh," Ichigo shrugged his shoulder, "that's how we communicate. Karin doesn't need to verbalize it for me to know how she feels. Anyway, what were you saying earlier?"

Kaien's mouth pitiful grappled for words, only for his awkwardness to be covered by another person entering the living room. "Diner is almost re-" The man's words hitched in his throat as he glared up at the two cousins standing side by side, the habitually controlled man trying to not let shock shine through his glass features, yet the utter whirlwind he felt was making it rather hard to bite back a completely incredulously look.

On Ichigo's part, well, he was just trying to process if who he was seeing was real or if at some point he had stepped into a black hole and had been taken to a parallel universe. It couldn't be, right? Not after all this time, he couldn't just be standing in Ichigo's childhood home's living room. His brain was just trying to rebound from the complete stupefaction at the sight it was taking in. It was like seeing a ghost. Garbed in dark blue jeans, a fitted purple button up, a coal grey stiched cardigan, silky raven hair up in a messy bun, with a bit of flower smudged on his cheek was the most ravishingly bewitching man Ichigo had never thought he'd seen again. Yet, when the moment actually came, there were no words or phrases in any language that could sum up the sensation that filled Ichigo. First, it felt as if his heart exploded, but yet he went on living, and not just normally. No. It was as if his heart burst and sent every euphoric lovely feeling flooding him, giving him these last few meteoric flashes of oblivion before his body went into failure, overloading from the truth of who his eye's were taking in.

Under the unyielding glare of Ichigo, the man shifted slightly, but said nothing. He was wearing an apron that sat wonderful against his lithe hips and had a dish towel slung across his shoulder, and all Ichigo could think was how perfect the man looked, how absolutely amazing and adorable he was at the same time. This man could be whatever he wanted to be. "Byakuya.." Ichigo rasped, sounding a bit more wanton than he'd hope to. For one marvelous epoch of blissful ignorance, Ichigo stared at his long lost friend with the softest of smiles and the most authentic felicity to breech his face in these long five years. It was so unyielding and unperturbed by outside reality, that this happiness was bordering on delirium, because he was just so damn ecstatic to see this man, that for an insignificant amount of time, he forgot why they hadn't seen each other. It didn't matter, not right then. He had dropped his bag, which Kaien thoughtfully picked up, trying to save Ichigo a little face, be it hard, since his face was just glaring relentlessly at Byakuya for a whole ten seconds, wordless, gaping from brow to chin.

He hadn't expected this reaction. He knew he missed the man, but god, it had really been too long. It hit him just how imbecilic he had been to never contact Byakuya, even after he found out about his new partner. His body and mind had been famished, throbbing with a need so raw that it couldn't even process the elation into felicitous words or gestures. It was the happiness that caused a person such an overwhelming amount of emotions that it brought them to tears. If he was a weaker man, he was sure the tears would have flowed freely, but he held them back because he didn't deserve to cry over Byakuya. It was like seeing someone you love die and then having them walk right back into the front door the next day. He never thought he'd see this man again and he never realized how not okay he was with that until he finally did see him. One thing was for certain, now that he was here, standing in front of Byakuya, he couldn't leave without trying to make it right. If he had of gone his whole life and never saw the man again, maybe he could have stayed content with never filling the space between them with the words Byakuya deserved, because he deserved those words five years ago and Ichigo had no right to come into his life after all this time and confuse him. However, now with the space between them being only the size of a living room, he understood now that he couldn't leave without telling the man just how wrong he had been. Something fundamental inside of him wouldn't let that happen. If it got thrown back in his face, then good, that's what he deserved and he expected nothing less, but he had to let Byakuya know just how much he missed him and how sorry he way.

Though it felt like eternity, it truly had only been a few seconds, but even that was a long time to stare mindlessly, smiling like an idiot. After he was able to peel back his intense initial reaction, it was obvious the pain and apprehensiveness that Byakuya tried so very hard to hide behind slate gray. Perhaps if you don't know the man, you wouldn't pick up on such things, however Ichigo remembered all of Byakuya's silly little habits and the tell-tell signs for what he was thinking, even when he didn't want people to know he was thinking it.

Byakuya cleared his throat and rose his pristinely arched eye brows, putting on a rather smug face. It was a mask, Ichigo was sure. "Kurosaki, I see you didn't call. That would have been the polite thing to do, seeing as we might not have had enough food. I'll set an extra spot out for you." At a loud banging sound and a yelp of pain coming from Isshin, Byakuya sighed, "Of course, it does not really surprise me. You are this brutes offspring."

Somehow, Ichigo's facilities began to work again, but despite his questions and confusion, it all took a back seat just to have the opportunity to banter with the man, to talk to him. "Well come on, Byakuay, I've never care about manners, that's not going to change no matter how much time goes by. Besides, Yuzu always makes enough for an army, it's a Kurosaki tradition."

His eyes dehisced at the statement, a ting of anger shinning through those usually unreadable featuers. Ichigo saw it and he knew what Byakuya was feeling without words. He was thinking that Ichigo has no right to talk to him as if everything was just chummy between the two. He had no right to be engaged in a snarky back and forth or to smile at him. He was thinking, how dare you talk to me as if you didn't completely tear apart everything we had like it was some kind of parking ticket you weren't going to pay. How dare you look at me with those bright eyes as if you actually care about me. Without words, Ichigo knew this and just how justified those emotions were. Because, as it was said before, the reality of things doesn't change the pain of Byakuya's perceived reality.

"Yes well," the man cleared his throat, turning to tread back to the kitchen. "I don't know why I would have expected _you_ to pick up a phone." Despite the indifferent delivery of those words, they stung Ichigo with all of the anguish that lied underneath the cool layer. Those biting deliberate words said so much while saying very little at all and succeed in their intended purpose, to let Ichigo know that Byakuya wasn't okay with him. They felt like a swift punch in the gut as he inhaled sharply, trying to catch himself before he started heaving.

Before Byakuya could leave, Yuzu ran in haphazardly, Karin at her heels, and threw her arms around Ichigo. "Oii-chan!" she bellowed."

Ichigo looked at the girl in shock, for Karin looked almost the same as the last time he saw her but Yuzu had hit a major growth spurt and was only a few inches shorter than him. Embracing the girl tightly, his voice cracked trying to stifle a few mawkish tears brimming his eyes. "There's no way you're my little sister. What have you done with her?"

Giggling, the girl looked to the man with bright eyes and fluttering lashes. "I haven't grown _that_ much. Don't cry, Oii-chan."

"Yeah, you big baby. Theres nothing worth crying for," Karin chided.

"I'm not crying," he held the girl tighter, "my happiness is just leaking out, thats all! I didn't realize how long it's been until I saw how much you've grown. I miss'd you, kid." Holding the girl at arms length, he said, "Now, step back." She cocked an eyebrow in confusion but did so. In the blink of an eye, Ichigo was side stepping an airborne kick that was being sent his way. At his gawkish dad licking his wounds on the floor, Ichigo looked at him with sever disappointment. "Really, goat face, after twenty four years you're still doing this crap?!"

Recovering quickly, Isshin's face expanded into a goofy smile. "I haven't seen you in so long, I had to make sure you were my kid."

"Oh, and what, If I had've gotten hit you would have kicked me out?"

"No!" Isshin affronted, "I would have started throwing more surprise attacks so you could be back to where you were. No son of my will be defenseless!"

"Is that any way to welcome me home?!

"When you haven't returned in two years, yeah it is!"

"Why would I want to come home when I risk getting brain damage every time!? Do you gotta aim for the head!?"

"There's nothing up there to damage!"

Smirking and shaking her head, Karin looked up to Byakuya who was staring somewhat uneasy, a dull almost non existent sadness glazing his eyes. "Ichi and dad fighting like idiots, just like old times. Is it weird I kind've missed it?"

Putting on a rare simper, Byauya shook his head. "If you are weird, than so am I." He dipped his head in an almost shameful gesture, showing Karin the admission had hurt his pride. Yet, he quickly returned to his regal and confident stature.

Still in the middle of a trifling argument, one they've had on a myriad of occasions, Ichigo said, "Oh, Oh, so because I'm your son? You use to run around saying how Byakuya was like the son you always wanted and how he could take my place, but you never sent flying kicks his way!"

"Thats simple," Isshin poised, raising a pointer finger in the air, "Byakuya never went around insulting his dear old dad."

Ichigo scoffed, crossed his arms, and turned his back to the man. With a complacent smirk, he countered, "Yeah he did, pops, you were just to dumb to realize it."

Isshin gasped and Karin slapped her knee with laughter. "Oh yeah, 'Kuya-Nii use to always say, 'insulting someone with tact is when they don't even know their being insulted'."

Kaien had moved across the room unnoticed, walking over to Byakuya who wasn't looking so happy to be strolling down memory lane right about now. He gently wrapped his finger tips onto Byakuya's forearm. "Hey, Saiai, don't let him being here make you feel out of place. This is your family too," squeezing the mans arm and looking into his eyes affectionally, " _our_ family. Still, he's family too." Byakuya just nodded and said he knew.

Liffting his hands, beseeching the heavens, Isshin said, "Do you see what our children do to me? First our three biological ones and now even our other son!"

Ichigo just scoffed and shook his head in amusement before Kaien's gentle grip on Byakuya's arms caught his attention. It wasn't so intimate in nature, but it was filled with a care and familiarity that Ichigo didn't quite understand, especially the way Byakuya leaned into the touch, almost as if it comforted him deeply. It made something latent within him shift in uncertainty. Especially since Byakuya had only met Kaien a few times in the past before Ichigo had left. When did they grow so close?

"Um, Byakuya," Ichigo gulped, griping his nape nervously, "don't get me wrong, I'm glad to see you, but," he flushed a bit, averting his eyes slightly at the man's austere gaze that Ichigo was sure might turn him to stone if he locked with it. "What are you doing here?" Byakuya's eyebrow cocking in an offended manner had Ichigo mending his blunder. "Ahhh, what I meant was, well..I guess the girl's invited you. It's just, you were the last person I thought I'd see when I came today. I knew you were close to the girls, but not that close."

He flickered his eyes, only to have them held by Byakuya's coal ones that did not shy away. That was so like Byakuya, Ichigo thought, no matter what he was feeling, he never submitted to it. He held his head high in the face of his own emotions. With locked eyes, Byakuya said as casually as possible, "Well, we are."

"Yeah," Karin added quickly, "Just because you go and leave home on a whim doesn't mean were all going to fall apart without ya'. Our relationships arn't dependent on you."

As Yuzu departed to the kitchen to finish the curry bread, Ichigo looked at Kaien intently. "So Kaien, what about you? You came all the way from Nagano without the Shiba clan. What gives?

"Actually, I moved here over two years ago for work, Ichigo," Kaine corrected.

Ichigo netted his eyebrows at that. It wasn't too weird that it hadn't came up in one of the many phone conversations he had with his family over that time span, at least not at first, but for it to never come up for over two year was off to say the least.

That's when Kaien puffed up his chest and looked at Ichigo as if they were going to have a man to man type conversation. The bravado and manly maturity twisted something inside of him. He didn't like this, something was amiss and Ichigo's nerves were on fire with the anticipation of what he feared that could be. And when he saw Kaien's hand slowly slide from Byakuya's forearm until their fingers intertwined, each slithering inch Ichigo begged for him to be wrong, internally pleaded for Kaien to put his hand anywhere but there, for this to not be what he was now sure it was. His prayer was neither heard nor answered. "I came here with Byakuya today. We live together. We're partners, Ichigo."

Completely oblivious, Isshin slapped his now stupefied son on the back and said, "Yeah, their engaged too. It's not legal, but damn if that'll stop us from having a weeding."

Kaien has this philosophy about the heart. He believed that our hearts do not live inside of our chest, but they live inside of the people we effect and care for, because of that, we can't really die. If that's the case, then maybe that's why Ichigo's whole life seemed to flash before his eye as if apart of him died right then and there, the part that he had left inside of Byakuya. It had decayed slowly from a cancerous tumor that was Ichigo's betrayal until it finally withered away. Truth be told, while he understood Byakuya had been with someone, there was this iota of delusional hope, this abject wistfulness that lived in his most shameful nooks and crannies, that if he ever did see Byakuya again, that maybe there was this infinitesimal chance that there was a place in this world for the two of them. And while he recognized that hope as completely delusional, it didn't make it any less real, any less apart of him. Why Kaien being Byakuya's partner swept that last little crumb of hope under the rug, he wasn't sure. Perhaps because seeing it like this, so bluntly in front of his face, in his own family, shined the cold and undeniable truth onto Ichigo that he could not look away from. Byakuya didn't love him anymore, but loved someone else, Kaien.

His chest swelled with the stifling of hot tears. The entrails of his gut were being twisted and contorted, and it felt like someone was using them to play jump rope all the way up to his throat. His head was spinning and his ears were ringing with this piercing clamor that Ichigo was sure was the sound of his own soul crumbling. An ethereal sensation frothed from him and surrounded him in a certain static, dissociating him with the truth of the circumstance, as if this was just another nightmare. He wanted to shut his eyes or run away, turn around and storm out of the room, ignore the pain. Yet, that's exactly what the man who walked out on Byakuya all those years ago would have done. Ichigo couldn't, wouldn't, be that man anymore. He'd be better because, if he wasn't, it would just be another slap in the face to what him and Byakuya were. Losing him couldn't be meaningless. He had to grown something from the ashes of their burnt bridges.

Smiling awkwardly, Ichigo's nails were now digging into his nape. He gave an out of place chuckle as he tried to make eye contact. "Oh, wow. That's, tha- that's great. Congratulations. I'm just surprised I haven't heard about it."

"To be completely honest, Ichigo," Karin sighed, "We didn't bring up anything Byakuya related to you, just like we don't bring you up to him, because we all know you two stopped being friends."

The uncomfortableness of it all was almost tangible, they were all swimming in it. Perhaps he couldn't run away from his pain, but that didn't mean he had to be a masochist and wallow in it. No, he needed to be anywhere else but in that particular embarrassing situation. "Where'd you learn to be so blunt at, kid?" Ichigo asked.

"Um, you."

"Heh," he jested halfheartedly, "I'm glad I rubbed off on you a little." Looking back over to the oh so happy couple, Ichigo swallowed hard, and in a matter that was to formal to be anything but contrived, Ichigo said, "I'm happy for you two. I'm going to help Yuzu in the kitchen with the curry bread."

As he walked away, Byakuya noted, "Don't be foolish, you can't cook, Kurosaki."

Only stoping to look over his shoulder, scared that all the tears may start flowing freely if he looked at the man in that moment, Ichigo said, "Actually, I'm a lot better now. I didn't have anyone cooking for me in Tokyo. Five year's changes a lot, huh?"

Painfully, he walked into kitchen, creating some much needed distance and finding a just as needed distraction. He used the back of his hands to press against his eyes, as if they could dissolve the tears wetting his corneas. He took one heaping breath, exhaling it in a jaggery rhythm before he walked over to the counter where his sister stood. It honestly felt like the first real breath he had taken since he'd seen Byakuya.

"Need any help, kid?" Ichigo said, surprising his sister slightly.

"Sure Ichi," she told him what to do before looking up to him with a sorta sad smile. "So you heard about Bya-Nii and Kaien getting married?"

Ichigo shook his head yes, sounding less than convincing. "Yeah, it's great news."

The girl blinked up at him a few times, her smile fading. "Not for everybody." He gave the girl a sharp and confused look, to which she clarified with, "Byakuya isn't the only one who knows you better than your self. It's never easy to watch the man you love marry someone else."

"You don't know what your talking about," Ichigo snapped in a whispered tone, "mind your own damn business." As soon as the words left his mouth, he pressed his palms against the counter, leaned in deep, and took another composing breath. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," he said.

The girl smiled brightly at her older brother. "No need to apologize. I'm a Kuroaski, so I'm use to a scene. Better you take it out on me than at the diner table."

At his sister's never ending well of patience and kindness, he thought how much like their mom she turned out to be. "Thanks kid, it hasn't been easy."

"You know, Ichi, if you want to step outside and have a few moments to compose your self, I'l tell them I sent you to the store are something."

Ichigo shook his head no, blinking away more of those pesky tears that wanted release oh so badly. He wasn't a man that cried very often, but being driven by his emotions, it certainly wasn't below him. More so, when he did cry, he made it count. When he found out his mother had died, he cried on Byakuya's shoulder for an hour without seize. The tears just wouldn't stop until his body couldn't produce any more. "I'm afraid if I started crying, I wouldn't be able to stop so easily," he sniffed, moving a plate of curry bread to the dinner table.

On the table sat Tataki fish with some ginger dipping sauce, Dangojiru soup made with tofu, seaweed, and lotus, and now the curry bread. Everyone entered the room as well, preparing to take their seats. With normalcy in mind, Ichigo said, "I'm sure Byakuya picked out the soup, with his seaweed obsession and all."

The sharp look Byakuya gave him made Ichigo laugh awkwardly. "I had to incorporate something of my taste, since not everyone can handle my affinity for spices."

Kaien rubbed Byakuya's back affectionally as he sat next to his soon to be husband. Ichigo tried to not visibly cringe and think about how that should be his hand. He didn't deserve to have that thought nor did his hands deserve to touch Byakuya. Kaien's did though. He'd been here, loving Byakuya through better or worse, never running away, being the support he needed through late night cram sessions of law school, through his dad's bull shit expectations, eating diners together, going on the long walks Byakuya liked so much, making love to each other. They deserved each other. He was going to have to get use to this now. "I'm kind of a wuss," Kaien noted, "Byakuya's spicy dishes are too much for me."

"Or perhaps your stomach just isn't enough for my dishes," Byakuya teased in his flat baritone, all in good humor. Ichigo wished Byakuya would tease him like that again. He just sank into his seat feeling an overwhelming sense of despondency.

Conversation flowed pretty steadily, yet Ichigo and Byakuya seemed to avoid conversation with each other at all possible cost. It mostly resolved around the girls graduation and their future plans. The thing was, Kaien was a great guy. In a lot of ways, him and Ichigo were alike yet they were equally as different. Mostly, Kaien was way more mellow and smiley compared to Ichigo's more high strung scowls. He was nice to a fault, easy going, determined, and could alway sympathize with anyone. Hell, he was sure Kaien knew exactly what happened between himself and Byakuya, yet he had been treating him with the same kindness that he always did. That just made Ichigo more pissed, because despite his cousins amicability, the only conversation he wanted to have with him was with his fist. Despite it being wrong and illogical, in that moment, he couldn't help but feel a subtle anger towards the man, as if every one of his tender, affectionate gestures towards Byakuya was Kaien's way of reminding Ichigo that Byakuya was his now, rubbing it in. Mostly though, Ichigo just felt an all encompassing sadness. It was obvious that Byakuya loved Kaien for all the ways they were different despite the way they resembled each other so heavily.

If Byakuya and himself had a different history, perhaps he would ask how they got to know each other, what lead them to falling in love, but Ichigo didn't want to know. He was sure he could figure it out anyway, there was no reason to torture himself. Eventually, conversation turned to Ichigo and his life in Tokyo. Everyone wanting to know what the man had been doing after his life crisis in which he abandoned his home and schooling. Even though he knew better, apart of Ichigo felt as if everyone kind of expected the worst of him, as if he'd been wasting his life away, only finding solace in bottles of sake and fluky women.

"So, cousin," Kaien said, "how's life treating you in the big city. You working?"

"What," Ichigo snorted, dipping a piece of raw mackerel in some ginger, "you think I'm paying rent off my good looks?"

"You are a pretty good looking guy," Kaien jested with a fraudulent air of smugness, obviously noting how the two looked strikingly similar. The only real difference was their eye and hair color. Kaien was also much more olive skin compared to Ichigo's peach toned derma.

"I'm a fire fighter," Ichigo explained, "and I also teach guitar lessons to some of the underprivileged kids in the city. I set up this program where they can pay for the lessons by helping with menial chores around the station."

"That's great," Kaien beamed, "You're not only teaching them a skill, but you're teaching them that nothing comes for free, thats a great lesson to learn."

"Yeah, I knew they couldn't pay with money, and honestly it's not really about the money or the chores they do. It's about teaching them a sense of pride in the things they do."

"Yeah, Yeah," Isshin chimed in, "but what happened to following in your good ol' dad's footsteps and becoming a doctor? That's a career you can bank on."

Ichigo rolled his eyes at that. This was a question he'd been accustomed to hearing from his dad. "Yeah," Kaien agreed, "I did find it a little odd you never went back to medical school. You were always to smart for your own good, the twenty third in your class."

Ichigo swallowed down a lump of raw fish, shrugging his shoulders. "Eh, I wanted to be a doctor, but in the end, I just didn't have the motivation. I was twenty third without really putting in the effort. I kind of realized that the only way to get me motivated is for something or someone to need help right there in front of me, ya know, in the moment. So I knew I wanted to help people, and maybe if I had gotten through school, I would have loved being a doctor. Still, I just didn't want it enough to get me through ten years of medical school. This fit's me a lot better. It was kind of a gut decision, but they say those are the most honest to yourself."

"You know what they say about laziness being the curse of geniuses," Isshin added, patting his son on the back.

"Then Kurosaki must be a regular Albert Einstein," Byakuya mocked dryly, his words coming out with a bite behind them. That was Byakuya's personality, he could be a very snarky individual. Yet, rather it was in good humor or to insult you was all in his delivery. In the past, Ichigo and Byakuya loved teasing each other in this manner, but it was obvious by the caustic tone dripping off of every syllable and the almost unnoticeable critical averting of his eyes, that the comment was meant to affront Ichigo. Yet, Ichigo deserved the stinging sensation he got from Byakuya's apparent distaste and mockery. So he took it in stride, forgoing the normal chafed response pointed insults usually yielded and surprising Byakuya in the process. "Heh, well, I got the crazy hair for it. Anyway, I hope to make enough money to start my own school for teaching instruments, one day."

"That's a great ambition, Ichigo," Kaien complimented. "You know, Byakuya just passed his bar. He's going into environmental law with this really progressive firm in Tokyo."

A warmness was effervescent in Ichigo's chest as he heard the news. Truly, despite Byakuya's obvious hatred for him, it made him happy to see Byakuya getting everything he wanted out of life. Even on some level, he was happy Byakuya had fallen in love with Kaien. For a moment, he even forgot how not okay things were between the two of them. With a soft yet genuinely happy smile, Ichigo said, "Wow, just like you wanted. I know how passionate you are about environmental issues. Im..I'm really proud of you."

It was just a breath, but briefly, Byakuya's face softened in a seemingly sad yet nostalgic manner before he netted his brow, his stern and harsh features returning with a vengeance. "Thank you, but my own pride is enough of a consolation."

Simpering, Ichigo's eyes darted back to his food, as he felt stupid for even saying that. I'm proud of you. Wow. After the way he left things, as if he didn't care at all, that must have sounded really condescending. One thing was for sure, Byakuya was not going to let this be some easy thing. He was holding a grudge against Ichigo and every pristine, perfectly crafted, passively abrasive word let Ichigo know just that.

Reading the air, Isshin quickly took to changing the subject. Too bad the direction change led them into even stickier territory. "So are you seeing anyone? Any girlfriends I should I know about?"

"No, not really," Ichigo said, shaking his head back and forth.

Karin chuckled a bit at that. "What about that blue haired guy I met when I surprised you last year? You two were definitely more than friends."

Time seemed to freeze for Ichigo in that moment as he stuttered, not completely sure what to say. He had forgotten that his sister had visited him one day after checking out colleges while Grimmjow was there. Not to mention, it was in the middle of them going at it and the air just reeked of sex. She knew what was going on. Though, what really had Ichigo paralyzed was the way Byakuya's eyes darted up in bewilderment, a bewilderment that quickly turned into seething anger. His fist were clenched around his cup until his knuckles turned alabaster with pressure. What a complete hypocritical ass hole he must have looked like. The last time he saw Byakuya, he was calling him a homo, now he was with a man him self. Not just one man either, Ichigo had hooked up with quite a few guys since he left home. Just the vibes that excreted from Byakuya were filled with loathing animus. So much so, he didn't even need to look at Byakuya to comprehend his anger, though very little of it even shined through on his blank face.

"He was just, uh, a buddy of mine," Ichigo said, stuffing another piece of curry bread in his mouth, inwardly cursing his sister for always being so frank.

"Maybe a butt buddy," Karin smirked.

Isshin about choked on his mackerel at that. "Karin! Are you trying to give your dad a heart attack? What if your mother heard that kind of talk? I'm sure if Ichigo says he's just a friend, he means it. Right, Ichigo?"

Ichigo knew his dad wasn't homophobic, a veritable unicorn for the male population of Japan, but it probably still put him on edge hearing his son was gay after all these years. As awkward as the situation was, Ichigo didn't have it in him to just lie flat out. "I mean, we are just friends, were just friends that..well..that.. u-"

"Sleep together?" Byakuya finished the sentence, arching an eyebrow in amusement, enjoying the sight of Ichigo obviously writhing in his own humiliation.

In the most matter of fact, lay all my cards out on the table type way, Ichigo said, "Yeah, exactly."

Kaien laughed nervously. "Blue hair, huh? You two must make quite the sight. Well, I'm glad you're seeing someone, Ichigo."

"I see a lot of people," Ichigo snarked, "I'm seeing you right now." If he didn't know any better, he could have swore he saw Byakuya smirk at that, but he put the idea in the back of his head.

"Oh ya'll should see this guy. Totally out there, loud, rude, funny though. He's a lot like Ichigo only way worse."

Ichigo was thinking things couldn't get more awkward, but life seemed to take that thought as a challenge, when it quite literally came knocking. At the loud disruptive knock coming from the front door, Yuzu excused her self to go answer it.

There were a few speculative murmurs of who it could be, but they weren't kept waiting for long. Bulldozing in with all of his maniacal crazed energy was Grimmjow donned in ripped jeans and a leather jacket that was two sizes too small. Yuzu came running in behind him, looking quite turned around. Probably because Grimmjow just stormed in passed her without much explanation.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here? A family gathering?" Grimmjow asked rhetorically, grinning widely. Isshin went into full on man of the house mode, about to stand up and kick the man out when Ichigo put an arm out across his chest.

"Let me handle it, dad," Ichigo stood up, scowling yet equally as confused. "What are you doing here, Grimmjow? Did you ride your motorcycle all the way here?"

"Oh, I got your cute note," Grimmjow remarked, shaking his head in an indignant amusement. "Since I'm seeing you, I thought it be rude of me not to make an appearance. Sorry," he spat acrimoniously, "din't bring anything, your son didn't give me much notice."

"Maybe we should go talk outside, Grimmjow," Ichigo suggested, lowering his voice.

"Ha! Oh no fucking way," Grimmjow said, staring Ichigo dead in the eyes with all the bitterness he could muster. "I should get to know my boyfrined's family, right?"

"Bo-boyfriend?" Ichigo stuttered, obviously confused. At this point, everyone was just watching silently, to taken by the sight to really do much of anything at this point. Though, Ichigo's confusion was everyones confusion. Boyfriend? "What is going on right now, because I obviously don't get it? When did we become boyfriends?!"

Grimmijow gave a scoff of expectant disappointment. "Of course you don't, Ichigo. Ya' know, for a smart guy you're really fucking oblivious sometimes." Byakuya told the girls to go upstairs and they both looked at him like he was crazy, continuing to gormandize the new entertainment in front of them. Putting a hand out in disbelief, Grimmjow stated, "We've basically been living together for two years, Ichigo. We cook together, eat together, shower and fucking sleep together. Damn, we bought curtains together. What have we been doing? Playing house?"

Pitching the bridge of his nose, Ichigo sighed heavily. "No, Grimmjow, I bought curtains, you walked behind me threatening to beat up ever employee you saw."

"I didn't like the way they were looking a us!?" He yelled, gesturing his arms in question.

"You've been staying with me rent free while you have your own apartment, you're like a roommate that doesn't pay rent and bums off of me all the time."

"Oh yah? And pays you in sex?" Grimmjow mocked, "Hm, so, I have my own apartment, but I stay with you every night, we sleep together, and you let me eat your food for free, what does that sound like?"

"A boyfriend," Karin answered, biting back a giggle at the sharp looks thrown her way.

"Thank Kami," Grimmjow pointed at the girl, "at lest one Kurosaki isn't completely dense."

Everyones temperaments showed how enthralled they were in their different ways. For some it was just awkward, for others in was amusing, for Byakuya, it was confusing and gut wrenching. He had to many emotions to really grasp how he felt about the scene.

Moving from in front of his chair, Ichigo roved around to Grimmjow, standing definitely in front of him. "Okay, you want to do this right here, lets do this right here," he challenged, scowling deeply. "You know what else we've been doing together for two years? Getting drunk, picking up guys, seeing other people, never once having a conversation about anything emotional or serious, never once investing anything serious into this. Did we ever talk about being together? Did you ever say you wanted anything more? I'm not a mind reader!"

"Did you ever ask?!" Grimmjow threw back. At Ichigo's momentary lapse, he said, "Nah, you never do, you just assume shit like always."

"You were just out with someone last night!" Ichigo baffled, "What am I suppose to think? You know that the moment anyone clings to you you're out the door, Grimmjow. You only want me because of how laid back our relationship is. Honestly, if we were really together, like seriously, you'd be gone in a week."

"Bull shit!" Grimmojow spat without hesitation, taking Ichigo aback some. "Maybe at first, but it's been two years, Ichigo. You don't think I've grown attached at all in that time? You never wondered why I chose to stay around you?" He pointed his finger on Ichigo's chest, scowling deeply. "Didn't it seem a little weird? Shit, I was just following your lead. I all but stopped seeing other people after a while, and only would go out when you did." Shaking his head in pissed off disappointment, "But you didn't notice shit, did you?"

Ichigo was at a loss for words, losing his heat and the confidence of his stature. He recoiled slightly with shame, but once he thought about Grimmjows words, let them sink in, his resolve returned. "So you want to be boyfriends, huh? So the way you show me that is by driving two hours and crashing my sisters graduation dinner? How could I date some that damn hot headed and thoughtless, and that's coming from me! You're selfish Grimmjow, and I should know, because I'm just as shellfish too!"

Grimmjow actually faltered, taken by Ichigo's words. The boy shook his head in a self depreciating manner, sighing. "You're right. We've been living together for two years and I just never thought about it. I just assumed you wanted the same thing I did. I made that decision for you and decided that my feelings were also yours. Maybe I could have seen it if I had wanted to or cared. I really can be a selfish bastard at times," he chuckled pitifully, running a hand over his face.

"Well you see it now," Grimmjow asserted. "I want more. So what's it going to be, Kurosaki?

Ichigo knew his answer was not being received by just Grimmjow, but that everyone was equally as eager to hear what he had to say. The anticipation was palpable. He tried very hard not to consider what Byakuya was thinking, because Grimmjow deserved better than that. He hadn't payed him much attention in their two year relationship, so the lest he could when he ended it was to give him his full recognition.

"I'm sorry, Grimmjow." Ichigo huffed, shaking his head, "I care about you enough that I can't lie to you and pretend that this is something I want to. I liked what we had, but I just don't..feel that way about you." His hands in his pockets and his head slightly dipped, he hoped he didn't look as bashful as he felt. This kind of bare honesty was hard when you knew it would hurt someone else.

Smirking somewhere in between anger and sadness, Grimmjow asked, "So that's the way it is then?"

"Yeah," Ichigo shook his head, looking the man in the eyes. "That's the way it is."

Grimmjow scowled and turned to leave, but stopped him self. "One last thing," he said, "who is Byakuya?"

A thick relentless edginess rolled over the milieu, a tension everyone was victim too. Simultaneously, everyone seemed to catch a breath, the suspension and uneasiness boiling out of everyone, Byakuya especially. It felt as if Byakuya's heart was being grasped by the words being exchanged between the two, the organ being squeezed tighter and tighter with each sentence.

"Excuse me?" Ichigo stuttered as if he hadn't heard, but he did. They all did. "Whe-where did you hear that name from?"

Turning back around, Grimmjow was still scowling, but it was sadder, milder in it's effects. "When you were moaning in your sleep this morning, you said his name. Not the first time either. God," he scoffed in a self loathing manner, "you must've done it over a dozen times since we met. Always whimpering, 'Byakuya, Byakuya', like it's haunting you or somethin', like it's a nightmare."

Ichgio didn't dare look at Byakuya or his family for reactions. No, he gave Grimmjow his full attention. "Yeah," he nodded, "it is."

With another calm scoff, hands now in pocket, Grimmjow said, "Ya' know, you're not the only one who selfish. I heard you over and over again calling out to this guy. I knew it was tearing you apart inside and I never once asked about him. You were right when you said we didn't have any real emotional ties there. At first I didn't even care, but then when I realized how I felt for you, it kind've hit me. Maybe I have your body, your time, but whatever part of you he has is way more important." Surprising Ichigo with a genuinely curious yet sympathetic look, he asked, "You've been feeling this way for a long time. It must have been eating you up inside, right?"

Ichigo sucked in a sharp breath, letting it tumble out of his lungs with all of the jagged unsteadiness of a mountain side. It was loud and evident in it's suffering, and the response was shrill to the ears, painful. With a voice so meek, unable to emote with all of it's efforts going into the constricting of his tears bulging out of him like an aneurism on the verge of combustion, Ichigo rasped breathlessly, "Yeah, five years is a long time."

Grimmjow nodded in acknowledgment before he walked away. "I'm sorry I didn't ask you sooner."

Ichigo's head whipped up as he grabbed Grimmjow's wrist. "Wait!" he urged. "I want us to still be friends. Honestly, you're my good friend, Grimmjow. I don't want to lose another important person just because I can't deal with my own shit. Maybe we can get to know each other better without all of the other complicated stuff."

Smirking and shaking his head, Grimmjow pulled the man in for a hug. "Yeah, yeah, who else's fridge will I come and raid." He kissed the man on the cheek, saying, "Let's go get wasted this weekend, we can find you a nice piece of ass to take your mind off of that loser you're hung up on. If you can't find anyone, I could always bite to bullet and let you do me."

Pushing the guy away in an affectionate and playful manner, Ichigo retorted sarcastically, "You're such a selfless friend, putting your self out like that. Now get out before I kick you out!"

Waving over his shoulder, Grimmjow said, "See you around, Kurosaki."

For a moment, Ichigo smiled off peacefully in his friends direction. Yet, that was short lived, as he soon realized that just because things didn't completely blow up in his face with Grimmjow, that didn't mean the effects of his little impromptu visit were any less disastrous. He had to explain, to clear the air. Especially now that it was out there like this, but how could he in front of everyone? How could he, in front of his family and mostly, Kaien, tell Byakuya he loved him and never stopped. It was unclear, but he had to do something. Yet, when he turned around, Byakuay was getting up, muttering something about excusing himself. He looked visibly rattled and upset.

Ichigo instinctively moved after him, being encumbered by Kaien's solid grasp around his upper arm. "He doesn't want to see you right now, Ichigo." Sternly, he determined, "I think you've done enough. You should go."

Yanking his arm from the man's grasp, he felt that bitter spasm of jealousy shake him. On one hand, it was illogical, caused by his feelings for his friend. He felt animosity at the fact that Kaien thought he knew Byakuya better after two years compared to their seven years of being best friend. Ichigo had known Byakuya best while in the years that literally developed the person he'd go on to be. Although, he was also feeling almost ill with the awareness that Kaien actually might know him better. It's in a persons nature to be creating themselves, changing, maturing, and Byakuya Kuchiki wasn't a man who could stay stagnate. He understood his cousin was just trying to protect the man he loved, but that was also the man Ichigo loved, and he wasn't a big enough guy to stop the envy from filing him. Though, he tried to not act on it. It wasn't fair and he had no right.

On the other hand, he didn't want anyone feeling as if they could make judgment for Byakuya. No one had that right. Byakuya was a grown, vibrant warrior of a man. He was perfectly capable of telling Ichigo he didn't want to talk to him his damn self. "It's not like I asked Grimmjow to come here, Kaien. Don't act as if I want to hurt Byakuya."

Kaien netted his brow, defiantly stepping in the space between Ichigo and the direction Byakuya had went off to. "That's not what I mean when I said you did enough. You didn't care about hurting Byakuya then, so don't try and act all high and mighty now."

He was right to a degree, but Kaien didn't know the whole story. He wasn't there, and though Ichigo couldn't blame him for being weary and he respected his need to protect, Ichigo had a feeling it was the knowledge the two of them had loved each other at points that brought about some of that apprehensiveness. Kaien was feeling some jealousy of his own. Considering he was not an insecure guy, he must have really thought Byakuya could possibly still have feelings for Ichigo. That was crazy to Ichigo, because he was pretty sure Byakuya all but hated him at this point, as he should.

"I just want to have a chance to explain," Ichigo implored, reigning back his scowl.

"He want's to be alone right now."

"Bull shit. When Byakuya's upset, he always needed someone to pull him out of it, not just let him brood."

Arms crossed, Kaien was a bolder, staring intently. "You had your chance five years ago, Ichigo. I don't want you messing with his head, coming in and confusing him. You've hurt him enough."

"Oh please," Ichigo spat, knowing he shouldn't. He couldn't help it, all of that jealousy was coming out. For a moment, he couldn't help but blame Kaien for his own foolish mistakes. In that moment, he was just the guy keeping him from the man he loved in more ways than one. "Like you didn't benefit off his sadness," he scowled. "If it weren't for me being a dumb ass all those years ago, I'd be Byakuya's husband right now," Ichigo rumbled, seething with a determination to push past Kaien. Yet, when he did so, Kaien pushed him back, and when he sprung his arms off of Ichigo's chest, one retracted into a fist before slinging back forward towards Ichigo, only to be grasped by Isshin at the last second.

Both looked up to the man whom they hadn't even remember was there. Isshin was wearing a rare face of parental disapproval, assuaged and pointed. He let go of the man's fist, saying, "I will have none of _this_ in my house. We're all family. Kaien," he turned and gave to man a harsh look, "Ichigo should talk to Byakuya. You don't get to make a chose for him, he's capable of deciding what he wants on his own good head. More importantly, you two are engaged. So you're all going to have to get along one way or another, unless you like every family gathering being this tense." Turning his attention to Ichigo, "And you, I don't know what's going on between you and Byakuya, but you better get your ass in there and fix it. I won't have you hurting my son."

"Yeah, I didn't need you to tell me that! I'm your son too, ya' know? Your _actual_ son!"

"Yeah, but Byakuya is a lawyer and much more successful."

Walking away, he muttered, "Yeah, and I save little kids from burning buildings."

His thoughts were so jumbled that by the time he got to the door he had no idea what he was going to say. He'd do what he was good at, winging it. Going to knock on the door to the bathroom, he found it being swung open before he could do so. Byakuya was visibly angry, which was quite a frightening and rare things to see in person. Ichigo had only seen it twice before. The thing was, the man was so composed, that to get him to the level of seething, expressive anger, he needed to be absolutely liviid. It was like standing in front of a volcano that was seconds from erupting, your knees aquiver from the death you knew was now unescapable.

Though, what really broke Ichgio was the trail of tears staining the man's cheeks, one's he tried to wipe away but their residue remained.

Staring the man down, still holding onto the door knob, Byakuya asked, "Did Kaien not tell you to leave me be?"

Not backing down, Ichigo asked a question of his own. "Since when does Kaien speak for you?"

Byakuya practically growled at that. "This is me speaking for myself: I do not want to hear anything you have to say," Byakuya went to shut the door, only to have it blocked my Ichigo's defiance.

The look of challenge in Ichigo's eyes melted into more of a plead as he glared at Byakuya. "Please, Byakuya, just let me explai-"

"Explain what?" Byakuya asked, his low baritone becoming deeper with the vigor of his anger rocketing. "I saw that little show. Was it suppose to effect me? Perhaps I was suppose to feel sorry for you or maybe you think that it make me understand your coldness. Don't delude yourself into thinking I care!"

Ichigo's face gaped with a sadness knowing he caused this. He really was the worst type of person, bringing this wonderful man this degree of pain. Still, Byakuya was quite the breathtaking sight, even more so while he stood in the face of his raw authentic anger. He thought he liked this more than Byakuya's contrived mask he wore all through the diner. This was real. Walking in pass Byakuya, he shut the door behind him. "I know you care, Byakuya. I know you," Much to his mistake, Ichigo tried to grasp Byakuya's forearm, who sternly demanded he not touch him.

"You do not know me. You haven't even spoken to me once in five years." Byakuya was aquiver, his back pressed up against the bathroom counter as he tried to further the space in between them. "Five years," he reiterated, clenching his strong square jaw. "Do you know what's worse than you treating our friendship as if it was no more than some passing fling? Do you know what's more ridiculously insulting and hurtful than your best friend calling you a homo all because I lov-?" Byakuya stopped, not even attempting the words. "It was the amount of time I blamed myself. How long I worried and felt as if I drove you away with my apparently trite feelings, for pushing them on you in the wake of your mothers death. For so long, I dropped my pride and called and called, I even thought about coming to track you down to apologize." Bitter, he burrowed his eyes, his words as sharp as a razor. "It took so long to finally allow myself to blame you, even just a bit. Though, what's unforgivably shameful, is that I would have forgiven you if you ever just decided to come back to me. If you just picked up the phone, even after years, I could have let it all go, but you never did." Sighing, his breath was jagged, also suppressing a waterfall of tears. Byakuya felt a deep hate for Ichigo, but a hate that was rooted in his love for him. Those were the strongest of grudges, because it was a hate of betrayal. Only made worse by the fact that, deep down, you could never really hate that person. "Even now, apart of myself still feels to blame and still missed you. How foolish and pathetic is that," he scoffed, Ichigo inwardly yelling at him, wanting to tell him he was perfect and did nothing wrong, but also wanting to hear the rest of what he was going to say. "At first, I truly thought your reaction was out of anger," he spoke, sounding genuinely confused. "Though, after so long, I had came to terms with the fact you must have really found me that disgusting. That I had made it so easy for you to walk away. Now this? Now you come here and all of this is exposed? You don't deserve my forgiveness and I'm utterly insulted that you even think you have the right to be apologetic after all of this time."

Shaking his head no frantically, Ichigo's lungs were bursting to tell the man he didn't have the right. He had to get it out. He had to let him know how he felt, and that he knew needing that was selfish, because Byakuya was everything that was wonderful and right with this world. "I know I don't have the right! Byakuya, I'm _SO_ sorry, and those pathetic words can't even scratch the surface of how sorry I am, but I know that doesn't matter and it doesn't change anything." Sighing, he rung his fingers though his hair, dipping his head humbly. "I was a fucking coward," Ichigo gulped, forcing himself to look Byakuya in the eye so he could see that every word was coming from the depths of his soul. "I was so good at protecting others, being there for other people, but when my shit got bad, I ran away from it. I ran away from you." Taking a few steps closer to Byakuya, just needing to not feel so distant from the man, Byakuya backed up even further into the counter, making them feel like worlds apart. Though he dared not look away. "I knew I was a wrong almost immediately, but for so long I was confused about the way I felt, about you and my mom dying. I was in a bad place and I know that's a shitty reason, but it's all I got. Then, when I got myself together..god.." he practically whispered, giving the man such a look of abject longing, "..damn, if I didn't miss you." His eyes brimmed with tears and he sniffed, continuing. "I was too ashamed to call you, but mostly, I was just fucking scared like always. I won't lie to you. I was scared you'd laugh at my apology, you'd have every right to. For a while, I thought about calling you, going to see you, but when Rukia told me you were seeing someone, I don't know, I felt like it be so selfish to come back and just complicate things like that after all those years. I knew it was to late and I had no right to come waltzing back into your life. I was wrong to make that decision for you. None of it was your fault, Byakuya, but I knew you'd feel that way," he inhaled sharply, finding the will to finish what he started, "and that's what killed me the most, because you should never think badly about yourself. It was me, all me."

His vision was blurry from blinking away impending tears. He stood, throat parched and hands shaking, just preparing for Byakuya to tell him his apology was trite and not wanted there. The man had seemed to mellow only slightly, yet Ichigo couldn't read the odd, almost exasperated expression on the beauties face. "So," he stated clearly, though much meeker that before, "you're only apologizing now because you saw me here today? You were planning to never see me again," he stated with such a somber resignation that it chigo's knees swayed slightly, a heat of guilt knocking the wind right out of him.

"Yeah," he replied bluntly, "But that's because I convinced my self that it was what was best for you. It was easy to just go on hatting my self for it instead of admitting that I was scared. But..when I saw you here, that close," Ichigo's hands trembled, stepping closer to the man as their eyes locked, both seeming to read the others emotions perfectly through those loaded stares, so open and honest in their pain. "When I saw you, I knew how stupid I had been. I couldn't lie to myself anymore and pretend that Id be okay just never seeing you after this. I was deluded and seeing you opened my eyes to that," closing in so there was barely a wedge between the two, Byakuya took in a sharp breath. He was feeling oh so warm and suffocated with the man's proximity, but it was a suffocation that he couldn't escape and he wasn't to sure he wanted too. Ichigo's finger tips barely brushed Byakuya's arm and he felt the man tremble slightly under the touch, yet he didn't push Ichigo away, not yet. "When I saw you, I knew I couldn't leave here without telling you.."

Fearful of the answer he might get, Byakuya's smokey eyes almost looked away, but instead burned embers into Ichigo as he questioned, "Tell me what?"

Ichigo decided in a flash of hot headed emotion to damn the consequences. Perhaps, he'd never see Byakuay after this, but that was up to Byakuya. All Ichigo wanted to do was be completely transparent about how he felt when he still had that chance. In one breath, he grasped Byakuya's softly blushed cheeks into his coarse palms, leaning into the man until his lips pressed against those silky pink lips. Byakuya, stunned and shaken, palms leaning against the counter at his back, only received the kiss. He didn't lean into it, but merely allowed those lips to ravage his momentarily, a soft and tantalizing tongue pillaging it's way into the fleshiness of his mouth. And for just a second, he shut his lids and allowed all thought to be thrown away by the feeling caused by Ichigo's sudden affection. It felt like this was what he'd been missing his whole life, and he had finally found it. The same way he felt when Ichigo had been on the receiving end of his surprising kiss. When he felt the wet hot tears of Ichigo brush his cheeks, the soft whimper leave his lips, and the almost desperate manner of which the man leaned against his chest, Byakuya's lips moved in tandem.

For the second time in his life, Ichigo had experienced the most beautiful and fulfilling sensation he ever had, and for the second time, he would have to give it up. Only now, it was in an attempt to not be so selfish, for just stealing a kiss from this man was a sin in it's self. In the face of that beauty and the knowledge that it was all but lost to him, he could'nt stop the tears. Pulling away, Byakuya's cheeks still in his cupped hands, the raven haired man lend in as Ichigo separated from him, as if trying to plead with Ichigo's lips to come back. Ichigo's face was mere millimeters away from Byakuya's as he looked him down with the most loving admiration to ever be directed towards Byakuya. Running the pad of his thumb against Byakuya's ivory skin, the man quivered yet reveled in the feeling of Ichigo's fingers running across his plumped and parted lip and the other edges of his features. He dared not say anything, just filled the tiny space in between with heavy and unsteady breaths, breaths that taunted him and almost asked him to kiss Ichigo once more. "That I love you too, so much, always have and apart of me always will." Silent streams of saline burned Ichigo's cheeks, rolling down to cover his sadly resigned smile. "You're everything that's right in the world, Bya, and you deserve Kaien. I genuinely want you to be happy," he whispered, still petting Byakuya's face with all the love he had in him. "He's everything I'm not and I think that's great for you. I just hope that, one day, you could find it in you to not hate me."

Kissing Byakuya's forehead gently, he moved away, feeling as if he was letting go of everything that matter. As he turned to walk away, he tried to comprehend the pain one felt when willing turning their back from the person they loved, choosing to let their hand go and tell them they hoped their happy with someone else, knowing he may very well never see or touch Byakuya like that again. He tried to comprehend how you moved on from a place like that and found it to be completely incomprehensible. In that long stretch of hall way to his front door, he knew the pain was to fresh to even contemplate that. Yet, he also knew this right here was like cleaning solution for the inviable scars that marred him. It hurt because he was healing. It hurt because now it was time to move on.

Byakuya still stood in the bathroom, anchored to his spot, fingers lightly touching his lips which shook so fiercely, as if trying to catch the sensation of Ichigo's touch, remember how it felt. He could still feel them tingling from the contact. Sadly, Byakuya said to no one but him self and the empty space, "I could never hate you, Ichigo."


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys. I wanted to thank everyone who followed and commented on this story. Right off the bat, I'll tell you I'm not discontinuing this story, but I'm simply reworking it. I actually really enjoyed this plot, and I didn't want to give it up.**

 **I went back and read the first chapter of this story, and I don't know if I was high or what the hell was going on, but it's so badly edited. Not only edited, but the style is just all over the place. Like, I'm embarrassed.**

 **So what I'm doing is, I'm going to take this one HUGE chapter and break it up into three smaller chapters, and what was going to be the second chapter of this story, will be broken up into three more separate chapters. So the reworked version of this story will have 6 chapters in all. In fact, I've already started this. You can find the 1st chapter of the reworked version of this story here:** s/12151777/1/Complicated-Strangers

 **Heres the thing, the plot is pretty much the same, so I understand if you don't want to go back and reread the first three chapters of the reworked version. However, A LOT of this story has been changed. The whole structure down to every single sentence has been changed in some regard. Paragraphs have been switched or completely deleted/added upon. It really changes the feel of the story, so Id suggest going back an reading these chapters.**

 **Thank you again!**

 **Good Vibes**


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